Your 2016 Presidential Candidates Have A Secret Weapon, According To The Media

Every election cycle can be considered, first and foremost, a monument to hype. With every passing week, the political world is a blizzard of brash predictions, bold pronouncements, and bad advice. This year, your Speculatroners shall attempt to decode and defang this world with a regular dispatch that we’re calling “This Week In Coulda Shoulda Maybe.” We hope this helps, but as always, we make no guarantees!

Sometimes, in life, you succeed on your own merits. But other times, you need a little something extra. And when the media thinks that they’ve caught on to that “something extra,” they’ve got a term for it: the secret weapon.

If you look long enough, secret weapons abound. If you’re in the National Hockey League, your secret weapon is the female figure skater. If you’re the Super Bowl-bound New England Patriots, it’s Tom Brady’s patience. If you’re producing the Grammys, then what you find in your “in case of emergency break glass” box is a gospel choir.

Kanye West has a secret weapon. So does Beyonce. Both Steve Jobs and Bill Gates have them. Elon Musk has a secret weapon that he apparently won’t tell anyone about. What if his secret weapon was “a small firearm, secreted on his person?” That would sure be a surprise to find out!

There comes a time in the coverage of any election that you start to hear about the candidates and their “secret weapons.” And nearly 100 percent of the time, the secret weapon is the same thing: the candidate’s spouse. This is a thing that’s said about nearly every candidate. Barack Obama’s secret weapon is Michelle Obama. Mitt Romney’s secret weapon is Ann Romney. The same is true for Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum and Ron Paul and Herman Cain and Tim Pawlenty.

Senators got ’em. Governors got ’em. Even our favorite politicians from across the pond have got ’em. Sometimes it’s awkward, like when you cheat on your secret weapon and father a son with your household staff. Sometimes it’s a little bit weird, like when your predecessor’s spouse becomes your secret weapon.

Once campaigns end, with the winners in ascension and the losers in absentia, there is precious little discussion as to whether any of these spouses-as-secret-weapons actually worked or not. And why would there be? The brilliance of the “spouse as secret weapon” story is that it’s a trope disguised as a scoop — a tired exercise handed down from editor to reporter to blandly pass the time.

Hillary Clinton should have her campaign headquarters in the Bronx. Or in Queens. (There’s space available in Staten Island, too.) Hillary should jump into the race right now, and start doing some Teddy Roosevelt stuff. Also, David Axelrod has advice.

Jeb Bush “should think twice about playing to the Iowa GOP.” Rand Paul should “come clean about libertarianism.” Chris Christie should “stop telling the Sicilian mother story” and get a makeover — there are five to choose from. Bobby Jindal “should salvage his legacy by giving up his presidential ambitions and focus on solving Louisiana’s fiscal crisis,” but where’s the fun in that?

This week, Jennifer Rubin says that Rick Perry’s “biggest problem may be [Scott] Walker, whom Perry will need to show is less prepared on foreign policy and less accomplished than he is.” That means next week, Rubin can flip the names and write the same sentence.

We’ll Leave You With This, Whatever This Is

Via Bloomberg’s Ben Brody:

“If Jeb Bush loses New Hampshire, they’ll get Mitt Romney back in the race,” said Carville, who managed Bill Clinton’s 1992 campaign. Clinton that year became the first modern president not to win the Granite State primary.

“Mitt Romney will jump back into the race” is the new “Elizabeth Warren will challenge Hillary Clinton.”

The Huffington Post